Writing

***CONTAINS SPOILERS***

Life for Paul isn't easy: which is why I was so excited about Sex and the City 2 - that, yes, here was something to look forward to.

Look, a poem a wrote a few months back during the height of that cruel winter:

It's snowing again
And it's raining in my heart
The only thing in life I look forward to
Is Sex and the City 2

And I meant it.

The past few weeks, I can now recognise, I was mad, in a fever, an anticipation-induced insanity. Every conversation I had, if it went on long enough I'd just blurt out, "Are you looking forward to Sex and the City 2?"

And yesterday I was there, at the cinema, and I hardly ever go to the cinema, for the first screening of the day, a couple of hour later, it was over, I returned to the real world, and what did I think?

In a word: awful.

Here's three: awful, awful, awful.

It's boring. Mind numbing. Utterly inconsequential.

Do I need time, space, perspective? No. I know what I saw and no reflection will elevate it.

The bad sequel. It's a painful phenomenon. Especially like here when all the ingredients are there and it should be good. Did you ever see Staying Alive, the follow-up to Saturday Night Fever? It's got a buff Travolta, Bee Gees songs, same writer, a neat premise, it's set in New York, 80's New York, Stallone's directing - and say what you will about him, that guy knows how to entertain - and yet, yet, yet...somehow it never flies...and that's what happens with Sex and the City 2.

Okay: first let's deal with expectations of failure. I avoided all gossip, trailers, leaks. I live in a bubble - one hears rumours of a hung parliament over in some island or money problems in some other country - but mostly, bubble. Yet avoiding Sex and the City 2 stretched my abilities of ignorance to the limit: what did I know going in? Someone had told me Big cheated. Someone said they went to Dubai. I'd also spotted a blog-entry titled 'The Death of Sex and the City' which actually made me think, great, they're killing someone off, that'll be good value...momentous, heartbreaking, iconic. Other than all that then, nothing, so I think I went into the cinema with pretty fresh eyes.

There was also expectation of failure because the first movie, it did it all and the question we all asked is what else can they do?

2's answer, so regrettably, is not very much.

But I believed. I am an ENORMOUS fan and appreciator of Michael Patrick King, the writer and director, and I kind of thought he could pull it off. With style. Think of any favourite episode from the series and, chances are, he wrote it. And one time when I was sick I re-watched the movie with his director's commentary on and he was so erudite, witty, understanding of both the reality of the characters, the machinations of relationships, and the expectations of fans...with a brilliant eye for detail. It was a fascinating insight into the craft of writing.

Let's talk a little about the first movie.

I love it. I think of its type it is a masterpiece. It justified the expansion to the big screen by having a genuinely epic scope. Think of the personal journey Carrie goes on in that two and a bit hours. And how MPK interweaves the separate stories of the four characters is effortless...if you appreciate the craft of story-telling, you must admire this screenplay. And to be able to move between happy, sad, slapstick, serious so swiftly and gracefully, for me this is wow-writing.

A regular criticism one hears is about the product placement. I don't find it such a problem and I think MPK handles it wittily and knowingly. Most art is not independent: hang a painting in a gallery, sign a record deal, put a book in a shop, you're working in an economic system. And a film of this scale today will of course be a multi-branded vehicle for products - and MPK deals with this. He makes a great work of art within what must be a terribly difficult mass of interests.

Okay, enough about the past, what's up with 2?

A kiss.

Carrie kisses Aiden.

That. Is. It.

That is the drama at the centre of this film.

Then Carrie tells Big on the phone, Big is a little mad, then forgives her.

The End.

All so...inconsequential, meaningless, bland. Back in the day, could've maybe got an episode out of that but a movie?

And Aiden? He's kind of...boring. Their meeting in the market is utterly anticlimactic - especially as you've seen John Corbett's name in the credits! I much preferred the sinister and manipulative Aleksandr Petrovsky but such a complex and rich character as him would feel out of place in this cartoony film.

Writing is conflict.

Drama, narrative, interest needs conflict.

Take conflict out and you have nothing, just things happening.

Hence, all along, I was waiting...waiting for the drama, the good stuff to come...but somewhere in Abu Dhabi, during the millionth scene of the gang marveling at some riches, I had to accept that no, it's not happening.

The first movie - stuff happened!

Carrie and Big get engaged - boom! - Steve cheats - boom! - Charlotte gets pregnant - boom! - Big jilts Carrie - boom! - I can go on and on - JENNIFER HUDSON! - boom!

But here...

Drama?

A nanny with big tits? Big watching telly in bed? Miranda leaving her job? Carrie getting a bad review in The New Yorker?

Boom? More like boo-hoo!

It's all so reticent.

Reticent, polite, thin, undeveloped. Even the stuff which could go somewhere - Charlotte's anxiety, the criticism of Islamic oppression of women, Penelope Cruz - never develops into anything significant or hits a nerve.

I can't help but feel MPK knows better. As a writer you can neither be respectful of your characters or your audience - you have to take them to bad places. And sometimes leave them there.

Carrie should fuck Aiden - and Big should revenge-fuck Penelope Cruz - Charlotte should have a nervous breakdown and try to kill herself. Miranda...I just don't know. She said and did nothing of any interest whatsoever in the entire film.

Samantha, she was far and away the best thing in the movie. Kim Catrall is a blast and she's kept an edge to playing her role; an eye for detail and willingness to do ugly, do crazy and go all the way. She had my favourite line: "Lawrence of my labia." And red carpet clash with Miley Cyrus was great - classic MPK.

But really the film is just scenes, events made for trailers.

(Though I don't know what to say about the Liza Minelli appearance...thinking about it now...it's so entirely weird.)

I have no problem with a feelgood karaoke scene or the hilarious sight of the gang in burqas - but you have to have earned it!

I mean, let's deconstruct that scene. How did MPK get the ladies in burqas? Earlier on, when Carrie saw Aiden, she left her passport on a shoe stand in the market. Later, when they're leaving, Carrie discovers it is missing and they all go back to collect it and then Charlotte is approached by black market salesmen and she follows them into their shop because she has forgotten to buy Harry a present. There's a bit of a kerfuffle in the shop and then the black market guys mistakenly suspect Samantha has stolen one of their bags so they go after her into the market and grab her bag and it splits open and jonnies are thrown all over the place, to the shock and dismay of the Muslim men, and the girls run away and take refuge in a shop where some Muslim women reveal that beneath their burqas they all have on western fashions, and they give the gang burqas so they can hide from the angry mob outside.

In a way, fine, it does the job. But it feels very laborious, long-winded and contrived, and not serving the main plot or the character development in any way.

The set-pieces of the first movie - Carrie revealing her make-up less face, the New Year's Eve montage, Steve and Miranda's Brooklyn Bridge reunion, Samantha making sushi, Charlotte going into labour while fighting with Big - these worked, had impact, because they were part of the narrative, were anchored in the emotion and drama...they moved the story on.

I do quite like that they go to Abu Dhabi - it's a smart move that could exist as an acknowledgement that New York is history, the 20th Century, the dead west. But it never really feels like you're there. On those streets. Which brings me to another concern: is it me or does something look a bit cheap about 2? Most of the first movie - the club where they held the engagement party, Brooklyn Bridge, the library - looked like it was shot on location but here - the hotels, airplane, gay wedding - all has the naff artificiality of sets. Sure, maybe not a big deal, but it's about feel. Everything feels more sitcommy this time around.

The first film had class.

I'm banging on, so I'll wrap up because all I'm really saying is, a kiss? is that it? I had to focus when the ending suddenly came around, for Carrie's final thought - usually MPK's most sublime and profound moments (oh boy, the first movie, what a great message, and so cool with the girls in the club drinking Cosmopolitans and Jennifer Hudson belting out her sublime All Dressed Up In Love) but here...because there was no story, nothing to say...what is it? something about colours?

Paul Haworth

Addendum: I read an interview with MPK where he explained the Abu Dhabi premise: "I made a deliberate attempt to take the girls as far away from the husbands and the babies as I could. Even though they have evolved in their marriages they become single girls again."